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Bad Bosses and Irritating People, part IV

god stuff 4

Standing in Judgment

“Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions…who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that He might be Lord both of the dead and of the living. But you, why do you judge your brother? Or you again, why do you regard your brother with contempt? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. For it is written, “As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to Me, and every tongue shall give praise to God.” So then each one of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this—not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother’s way…(Romans 14:1, 4, 7-13, NAS).”

“Do not judge so that you will not be judged (Matthew 7:1, NAS).”

It is exceedingly difficult, nay, impossible, for the flesh of mankind to not pass judgment on those who offend and/or irritate us. However, it is through the Spirit of God exclusively that we are supernaturally capable of overcoming such judgment against others. Sufficed to say, there is no one who can honestly say that judgment does not cross their mind and heart from time to time – after all, it is human nature and we dwell temporarily is this earthen vessel.

In order to be successful in this or any area of God’s commands, we must remember that we are no longer of the human race, but of the heavenly race – the Kingdom race. We are but strangers and aliens in the earth sent from heaven to bring heaven down to earth. This is so because we are dead and our only life is Christ. In other words, once in Christ, our earthly origin ceases and our heavenly origin begins.

If you are like I, people irritate you! In our irritation, judgment can easily take hold of our hearts and grow bitter roots. Hebrews 12:15 is clear about bitterness: “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.” Operating in a judgmental/critical spirit against others no matter how innocent it may seem, causes bitter roots to spring within our hearts like weeks and they taint not only our walk with God with it takes others down with us.

Because of the nature of the flesh in which we currently remain, it is altogether a necessity to hone in on the Spirit of God within us through our spirit-man. If we do not daily (moment to moment) purposefully tap into Holy Spirit, we will find ourselves in the midst of fleshly judgment. We can defend it all day long but unless we, one, choose to recognize that we have indeed passed critical judgment in our hearts as well as, two, choose to repent of it and lay it at the foot of the cross, things will not change as we would otherwise hope. Pray though we may for God to remove us or the irritant, nothing will change until we allow God to transform us from the inside out and love and accept others as they are.

We are not to regard a brother with contempt. This is why we are urged to go to a brother with whom we have a problem so as to resolve the matter. We are to conclude our conflicts, not simply for our selves, but for the greater good of the Kingdom of God. For this reason, there is to be unity between the brethren and we should seek peace at all times, respecting one another.

One who is rebellious, for instance, will be perpetually faced with people who “force” them to rebel because, from where God stands, He recognizes the need for the weaknesses of rebellion to be exposed so that the individual will choose to deal with it through God’s strength. Otherwise, if they continue in their rebellion, the same old obstacles and irritating people will continuously come in their path; hence, frustration remains.

Likewise, one who is impatient will continually come in contact with people who try their patience. One who is timid in their faith will continuously be put in situations where they need to be bold. One who is confrontational will be put in situations where they need to submit in both humility and silence, and so on.

For me personally, the nature of the flesh in which I dwell is exceedingly confrontational. I have to be diligent with my time tapping into Holy Spirit continuously so as to be able to clearly discern when to confront a situation and when to be silent. In everything we say and do, it is a walk of balance that can only come from personal intimacy with Holy Spirit. There should never be a break in our communion with Yahweh.

Until we begin to view everything in everyday life as for the Kingdom of God instead of for or against us personally, not only will circumstances not change, but they will invariably grow worse. Since everything ultimately originates from God whether it comes from Satan’s hand or wicked men, we must say with humility instead of irritation, “What is it You, Yahweh, are trying to show me that I have not yet seen? Reveal my weaknesses to me so that Your strength may prevail in order for Your Kingdom to be advanced through me in the earth. I trust You and submit to You for Your honor and Your glory. Whatever You desire, I desire. Whatever You love, I love. Whatever You hate, I hate.”

There’s always a lesson. There’s always a God-plan. There’s always hope. There’s always growth that He desires to come forth from us, for us and, most importantly, for His great name’s sake. No situation or scenario is in vain or to hurt us. It isn’t even for punishment’s sake; it is always for the Kingdom of God. May we keep our spiritual eye open to see the bigger picture always and remember that you do not belong to yourself, but to the Lord our Great God. I remind myself of this daily so as to stay on heavenly point instead of veering away from the path of God.


“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you (Matthew 6:33).”


I hope you’ll come back next week. If you’re interested in reading more, please go to my website and check out my books or my ministry Facebook page.

Peace and blessings,

Alexys V. Wolf


Forgive? You’re Kidding Me, Right?

Hug it out

(Hugging it out…)

The concept of forgiveness can be a hard thing to digest.  If someone wronged us, granting forgiveness can feel almost as if we’ve been hit twice.  The first time when we were so generously issued the wrong-doing; the second when we struggled to set-aside our ill-feelings and extended the gift of forgiveness.  After all, he/she may have deserved anything but a gift.

Our minds cannot grasp some acts deserving forgiveness.  Can you think of something that has been or would be hard to forgive?  I’m sure you could—I just thought of three in about five seconds flat.  Forgiveness doesn’t always appear justifiable.  Why should we let our perpetrator off the hook?  Withholding forgiveness can deceivingly present itself as our last hope to even the stakes.  However, is keeping the culprit on that hook really enforcing justice … or do we feel the weight ten-fold from supporting the hook itself?

 “Forgiving those who hurt us is the key to personal peace.”

~ G. Weatherly

This residual weight strapped to our shoulders is not only a nuisance, but can be draining, tormenting, and even suffocating.  To choose to carry this pain can feel as if the incident is recurring with each passing day.  Neither party wins.

My Glimpse in the Mirror

I’ve recently asked myself, “Where would I be if I was never granted forgiveness for my own transgressions?”  Sadly, the answer wasn’t pretty.  We all appreciate forgiveness for our mistakes.  God forgives us over and over again every single day.  Upon acknowledgement of our blunder and a sincere request for forgiveness, His mercy awaits.  So wouldn’t it be hypocritical not to reciprocate this generosity to others?  

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” 

Ephesians 4:31-32  


We are left with a choice:  do we forgive, or do we carry the weight?  It’s not an easy decision.  Given we make the decision to forgive, our next step(s) toward allowing that act to transpire can be even harder.  Here’s where prayer comes in, asking God to locate the strength and perspective within us to not only want to forgive but also follow through with that desire, surrendering to His wisdom when our need for justice yanks us backward.  We give our Father our torment and baggage and embrace the metamorphous of our heart.  We do this each and every day, over and over again until we are able to welcome this road as if no other choice had ever been appealing.  We simply can’t do it alone.

But How Often Should We Have to Forgive?

Ever feel like your forgiveness is constant?  Why do we continue to hand out forgiveness—shouldn’t we reach a threshold at some point?  We don’t have a limited bank of forgiveness to grant.  God emulates for us limitless love, grace and mercy.  He doesn’t issue this sparingly.  Forgiveness is a choice, not a well that will run dry.  The option will always be available.  So what stops us from giving it?  Only ourselves.

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?‘ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”

Matthew 18: 21-22


Wow.  Seventy-seven times.  Does your mind present this as, “seventy-seven opportunities for another to take advantage of me”?  Or instead, “seventy-seven opportunities for personal peace”?  The choice is yours.

Always wishing you peace,

Alicia M. Smith

Twitter:  @AliciaMSmith7


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Bad Bosses and Irritating People, part III

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Bad Bosses and Irritating People, Part III

Philippians 1:27 (NAS): “Only conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.”

Ephesians 6:5-8 (NAS): “Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, AS TO CHRIST…as SLAVES OF CHRIST, doing the will of God from the heart. With good will render service, AS TO THE LORD, and not to men, knowing that whatever good thing each one does, this HE WILL RECEIVE BACK FROM THE LORD…”

I Timothy 6:1-2 (NAS): “All who are under the yoke as slaves are to regard their own masters as worthy of all honor so that (here’s the “why” of it) the name of God and our doctrine will not be spoken against. Those who have believers as their masters must not be disrespectful to them because they are brethren, but must serve them all the more, because those who partake of the benefit are believers and beloved. Teach and preach these principles.”


Verse after verse we read God’s instruction as to how to treat a boss, believer or non-believer. Since all authority is placed by God, good or bad in the natural, they are there to serve so as to refine us in our walk with Yahweh. We are to honor them, not for our sake or theirs, but more so for the sake of God’s great name and His kingdom. When we refuse to obey, we are refusing obedience to God; of course we are not speaking of doing that which is ungodly.

If you, for instance, have a boss that is constantly making demands of you that you feel are unreasonable, you should do it without grumbling or complaining. Certainly if you need to go up the chain of command, that is not out of the question. However, in the mean time, you are commanded of God to honor and respect whoever is in a position of authority over you. This is when you would need to rely solely upon the promise of Yahweh that says that God will repay you. When God’s people honor those in authority, we honor God. Our reward if forthcoming; it is not an if, but a when.

If you are dealing with law enforcement, they are not your boss from whom you receive your pay, but they are in fact your authority. If you don’t want to be in fear of them, it would behoove us all to obey the law. Romans 13-7, reads “Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God.  Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves…therefore it is necessary to be in subjection, not only because of wrath, but also for conscience’ sake… render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor.”

I often think of Daniel when the law was set against him for the purpose of entrapment. He did not kick and scream and shout profanities at the king or his enforcers. He did not protest by chaining himself to a tree or hold a sit-in. He did not demand that they make things right and boastfully state, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m the servant of the Most High God! You better make things right or else!” – on the contrary.

Daniel being the true man of God that he was quietly continued to do as he always did. He didn’t change anything. He wasn’t loud or obnoxious – he remained steady and sure. He did not obey the wicked law because it was against God. At the same time, he did not disrespect the king who made the law, foolish though it was. By humbly conducting himself in a manner worthy of the King of kings, God protected him. Even the king who made the law did everything he could to release and save Daniel.

That is how the supernatural Kingdom of God is able to manifest itself in the earth! When we do things God’s way, solely depending upon God to render good back to His people, the atmosphere shifts in ways that we ourselves could never make happen. Because of Daniel’s humility, faith, and steadfastness, multitudes witnessed the righteous, supernatural, mighty had of God.

Let us be ever mindful of doing things God’s way as unto Him so as to preserve the good name of Yahweh whom we say we serve. Taking matters into our own hands will surely cause chaos. Hebrews 13:17 states “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.”

I hope you’ll come back next week. If you’re interested in reading more, please go to my website and check out my books or my ministry Facebook page.

Peace and blessings,

Alexys V. Wolf

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Neil Andeerson

By Neil Anderson

March 22

Romans 10:17 
Faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ

When people struggle with their faith in God, it’s not because their faith-object is insufficient. It’s because people have unreal expectations of God. They expect Him to operate a certain way or answer prayer a certain way–their way, not His–and when He doesn’t comply they say, “Forget You, God.” But God doesn’t change; He’s the perfect faith-object. Faith in God only fails when people hold a faulty understanding of Him.

If you want your faith in God to increase, you must increase your understanding of Him as the object of your faith. If you have little knowledge about God and His Word, you will have little faith. If you have great knowledge of God and His Word, you will have great faith. Faith cannot be pumped up by coaxing yourself, “If only I can believe! If only I can believe!” Any attempt to push yourself beyond what you know about God and his ways is to move from faith to presumption. You choose to believe God according to what you already know to be true from His Word. And the only way to increase your faith is to increase your knowledge of God, your faith-object (Romans 10:17).
“Well,” you may say, “that means there’s a limit to our faith.” Yes, there’s a limit. But God isn’t controlling it; you are. As the object of your faith, He is infinite. The only limit to your faith is your knowledge and understanding of God, which grows every time you read your Bible, memorize a new Scripture verse, participate in a Bible study, or meditate on a scriptural truth. Can you see the practical, tangible potential for your faith to grow as you endeavor to know God through His Word? It’s boundless!
Furthermore, it is important to know that God is under no obligation to us. There is no way you can cleverly word a prayer so that God must act on your behalf. If God declares something to be true, you simply believe Him and live according to what is true. If God didn’t say it, no amount of faith in the world will make it so. Believing doesn’t make God’s Word true; His Word is true, therefore I believe it.
Prayer: Dear Lord, increase the boundaries of my faith today as I increase my understanding of You through Your Word.

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By Neil Anderson

Neil Anderson

February 23
Romans 8:2 
The law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death
Walking according to the Spirit is more a relationship than a regimen. Think about your marriage as an illustration. You may have started out relying on some rules for effective communication, meeting each other’s sexual needs, etc. But if after several years you can’t even talk to each other or make love without following an outline or list of steps, your marriage is still in infancy. The goal of a marriage is to develop a relationship which supersedes rules.
Or think about prayer. Perhaps you learned to pray using the simple acrostic ACTS: adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication. But if you have been a Christian for a few years and your prayer life is no deeper than an acrostic, you’ve missed the point of prayer. Prayer is not a formula; it’s the language of your relationship with God. Similarly, walking in the Spirit is essentially a relationship with the indwelling Spirit which defies quantification.
Even though Scripture doesn’t give us a formula, it does help us see what the Spirit-filled walk is and what it is not . Helpful parameters are found in Galatians 5:16-18: “Walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law.”
So how do you walk by the Spirit? If I answered by giving you a rigid formula, I would be putting you back under the law. The Spirit is not an “it”; the Holy Spirit is a “He”–a person. Walking by the Spirit is a relationship issue, not a legal issue or ritualistic exercise. It is a walk with God.
Over the next several days we will examine what the Spirit-walk is and what it is not.
Prayer: Father, thank You that my life in You is a relationship, not a set of rules.

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Christ the Lowly, Part V

“…thus says the Lord God, ‘Remove the turban and take off the crown; this will no longer be the same. Exalt that which is low and abase that which is high (Ezekiel 21:26, NAS).”

 “Take My yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls (Matthew 11:29, KJV).”

 “I dwell on a high and holy place, and also with the contrite and lowly of spirit… (Isaiah 57:15, NAS).”

 “For though the Lord is exalted, yet He regards the lowly, but the haughty He knows from afar (Psalm 138:6, NAS).”


We who are within the Body of Christ are not here to be served, but to serve. Those who desire to be great will be brought down. Christ states that those who serve are the greatest among His people. Those who purpose in the name of Christ Jesus to serve the Body will be highly exalted in due season. Many misunderstand, but there is a huge difference between a slave and a servant. A slave is in bondage to his master and has no choice, therefore becomes easily embittered. A servant, on the other hand, is employed by choice by his superior. He serves with diligence because his payment is eminent.

A bondservant is a person who is released from slavery by their master, yet chooses to stay from a heart of dedication and love. Therefore this person is willing to do anything they are asked without hesitation or grudge. God’s bondservants who serve with a grateful heart will be rewarded by the Kingdom of heaven. The lower we humble ourselves before Christ and His people, the higher we are moved toward Christ. We lend more service as time goes by, not less. This honors God.

Our only purpose in this life is to glorify the Father. When we are focused on ourselves, we take the focus from God. Pride can be very subtle. Remember what I said about those most at risk? It is very easy to find ourselves out of spiritual sync with God because we forget whom we serve and the One who gives all ability to do what we do. We can easily allow the praises we receive from those around us to puff us internally.

When we are in a place of servitude, we must remember that there is no good but God, as. Therefore, if there is good coming from us, it is not us. We can tend to look down in judgment on those not doing what we are or how we are. To be judgmental comes from a spirit of pride. We all pass judgment. The key is being so aware of it that we don’t allow it to remain and take root. We must be quick to repent of a judgmental spirit and remove that foothold of the enemy. Keep in mind that we as the Body of Christ are to judge things according to the Spirit of God; this is righteous judgment – discernment. That differs greatly from being judgmental (viewing ourselves as better than another).

We, God’s holy people, also need to be careful about starting a testimony wanting to exalt God yet talk endlessly about ourselves and what we did or said in a certain situation. Human nature is to glorify self and get people to be in awe over how humble and selfless we seem to be.

Obviously, according to the Word, pride is an issue everyone somehow, somewhere, needs to deal with. Pride takes constant pruning. It grows like weeds and spreads itself as fast and as far as it can. It is unrelenting! It cannot be assumed that, once we have dealt with pride, it is never to be faced again. Our hearts require constant supervision. The fleshly nature is driven by pride; therefore, we all need to be alert to it on a regular basis.


I hope you’ll come back next week as we continue to explore the subject of humility. If you’re interested in reading more on this subject, please go to my website and check out my books.

Peace and blessings,


Alexys V. Wolf

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What is the Purpose of Christmas?

This is a video journal I did for Christmas! 

Merry Christmas! 




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Can I Get a Little Love for Valerie Harper?

Dancing through life

I practically live for inspiring moments—nuggets of motivation that propel me forward each day.  In fact, I just concluded my lunch hour, in which I wrapped up an episode of The Biggest Loser.  I save episodes such as this for moments requiring a pseudo Red Bull, providing a little extra “oomph” of momentum to carry me through the remainder of an exhausting day. Of course, I cried like a baby (which is typical) … but boy was I ready to jump back into my work when it was over.  After all, if those contestants can push themselves through grueling weeks of physical turmoil, I can certainly mark some items off my to-do list.

There isn’t a science to inspiration.  I think we all hope to inspire or be inspired in some way, but may not have a clear route toward the execution.  In an attempt to provide a little extra jolt of encouragement for you today, I’d like to share a short video of our treasured Valerie Harper (actress legendary for the Mary Tyler Moore Show, among other things).

Valerie, a recent contestant on Dancing with the Stars, shared thoughts on video of her brain cancer diagnosis and her decision to join this year’s DWTS cast:

Valerie asked herself upon receiving her prognosis (given an “expiration date” from doctors):  “’Why this?  Why me?’  And then I said, ‘Why not you?  You’re 73.  You’ve had a great life.  Look at the career you’ve had.  The husband you’ve had.  The daughter.  Stop complaining and let’s attack it.’”

I know there have been instances in my life where I’ve asked, “Why me?”  But what makes me so special that it can’t be me?  And if not me, then who?  None of us are perfect.  No one is above another simply because of who they are or what they have accomplished.  So why would anyone else deserve to be faced with a hurdle and not me?

It’s not a question of whether or not we will each be presented with a struggle or whether or not that struggle is deserved.  It’s His will that matters, not our own.  Battles are inevitable.  But it’s how we “attack it.”  It’s how we renew our minds.  It’s what we make of ourselves.

“Strength doesn’t come from what you can do.

It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.”

~ Rikki Rogers

Valerie is a perfect example of life’s circumstances controlling our conditions, but not our attitude.  Not our faith.  Not our persistence.  So why let our situation determine the outcome?  How we live each day is still within our realm of control.

Cheers to Valerie!  And cheers to you, for having the courage and determination to continue to dance through life, pummeling your road-blocks, while striving toward a positive mind-set.

“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

Romans 12:2 (KJV)


Twitter:  @AliciaMSmith7


How Many Fans Do You Have?

Memphis Zoo-with Kenya

Alicia Smith:  I swear this giraffe was trying to eat us.

Like * Comment * Share

Have you done any of these recently?

  • Checked to see how many “likes” you received on a picture, comment, or article?
  • Tuned into Facebook, Twitter, or another social media to see how many friends/followers you’ve acquired?
  • How about doing analysis on your website/blog to see how many new visitors/subscribers you’ve obtained?
  • Then there are sites like, providing a number for how much online “influence” we have.  Ever taken a peek?

I’m not going to pretend I haven’t done one or more of these.

Many of us are passionate about our careers and aspirations.  In our evolving world of technology, social media, and advanced/accelerated communication, gaining supporters and clients becomes more accessible than it ever has before.  Building a platform, brand, or fan-base, can literally be at our fingertips.  The internet has the possibility of not only extending the reach of our work/passions, but validating them all in the same swoop.

Sharing ourselves with others can be exciting.  We want to help others.  We want to share our knowledge.  We want to hear a client’s feedback.  And we appreciate the same in return.  Unfortunately, this can be consuming, though, we may do our darndest to avoid it.


The Risks

Finding your voice, your creativity, your “influence” takes risks.  It can be intimidating, scary, and ultimately, silencing.  We’re putting ourselves out there for the world to judge.  Even if our internet influence is strictly social, that doesn’t mean it lacks vulnerability.  After all, every time actress Amanda Seyfried posts a photo of her dog with a duck perched on his head or reading the newspaper with his morning coffee (, she’s inviting others to love it or leave it.  (I’m loving it, by the way.)

As a by-product, there is this possible trap—falling into the landslide of life revolving around gaining “likes,” “friends,” “followers,” and the like.  Those numbers that pop up on our phones (indicating a message, “like,” etc.) can sometimes taunt us until we finally bite, pressing our finger upon the shouting app to take a look.

Or what about beyond the internet and social media—those moments when we worry about what others may think before we move forward with what we believe is right?  Again, there is value in the validation of others appreciating a part of us that takes courage to share.  However, what happens when validation crosses over into a tad-bit obsessive?


The Answer

Then one day it hit me.  The answer was so simple.  I only need one fan.  I mean that with one hundred percent of my being.  We only need one fan.  We need our Lord to be a fan of our actions, our work, our pictures, and our posts.  And here’s the beauty of it:  if He’s a fan, there’ll be thousands more where that came from. ;)


“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? 

If God is for us, who can be against us?”

Romans 8:31




The topic I’m about to discuss if very controversial. If you commit suicide, will you go to Heaven? I’ve heard both sides of the argument on this one. Here’s what I believe. 

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoeverbelieves in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” -John 3:16, 17

This passage makes it very clear that whoever believes in the Son of God, will have eternal life. So if you commit suicide, will you go to Heaven? If you have accepted Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, if you have faith in Him, then yes you will go to Heaven. If not, then you would have just sent yourself to Hell.  Did I just say that if you kill yourself you can still go to Heaven? Yes. Suicide’s a sin, but here’s the thing: Jesus hasn’t just paid for your sins from the past. He doesn’t just forgive every time you ask. If you are truly in Christ, he has forgiven ALL of your sins….past, present, and future. He doesn’t wait for you to ask forgiveness every time (you should still do that though). Your sins are already forgiven. He already has paid for them. 

I’m not condoning suicide by any means. “Suicide doesn’t prevent a life from getting worse, it just prevents it from getting better.” However, sometimes even Christian lose sight of what’s ahead and get desperate. We’re still human. I have to belief that God’s grace extends to those who take their own life. If God’s grace can redeem a murderer like King David, it can still reach someone who took their own life. 

That’s my answer. If you are in Christ and you commit suicide out of a moment of desperation, I have to believe you will still go to Heaven. 

If you are having suicidal thoughts though, I would encourage you to seek help from a godly friend, counselor, or minister. Jesus can set you free from the bondage of these thoughts. Keep your eyes on the King.

God bless!